My Darling



I’ve had a rare privilege in my life. I suppose I don’t talk about it much. Or at least as much as a person should, what with all the terrible and difficult things people go through everyday. And why should I? My thing is obviously a result of my own diligence and hard work, yes? An outcome or fruition of planning and execution of meticulously laid foundation and framework? Clearly, avoidance of the all to common pitfalls I’ve watched friend after friend fall into and lose everything they’d worked for and built from nothing, wasn’t it all planned from the start? Well, I can surely say I hadn’t been witness to the perfect examples as a lad. How could I possibly have known what to do, what decisions to make to keep it right and together in all the best possible ways? Can a person learn by negative example, gleaning mainly the right from situations that might leave a scar to the opposite effect? I don’t know. I did know at a relatively young age that I wanted something different. But the idea that I somehow controlled and chose the outcome of the life I live today would be conceited and well, plain ridiculous. As I go further and further along, I realize more and more, that I have less and less to do with any of it. Sure, there are some conscious choices that are made, some dirt lines not to be crossed, but in the grand scheme of things I see now more clearly than ever that I’ve always had the easy part. There’s a 2nd character to the story I tell, a constant presence that is never questioned, never weary, and never leaves my side. Dare I even mutter a cliché as old and tired as this one, but I really can’t come up with any words that would make the point as easily. You all know it, and it doesn’t really even need to be written because it rings true in so many ways. Something about a great man and the woman behind him. I was maybe 23 when I met my wife. This is the stuff of movies, a blind date, a stolen car, and other “interested parties” (I’ll leave that alone with that). Not great movies, I admit, but decent romantic comedies. I wonder who could play me. I’ve always liked Mark Wahlberg. I imagine Lora as, I don’t know maybe, Meg Ryan? Not based on similarities, but I’m thinking “When Harry met Sally”. I swear, I knew the day I met Lora Lee Probus that I would likely marry her. Go ahead and laugh, but if you know her well, you just may know what I know, and saw right from the beginning, in Applebee’s in Louisville KY all those years ago. You see, I’m not at all responsible for the success of my marriage, family, or even career. It amuses me even now to think what I’d be doing or where I’d be left to my own vices. Those of you that know me well would probably agree I’d likely be in prison or dead. There are certain types of people that are just simply, good. In school they were nice, or sweet. Not necessarily cool, or hot and popular because the things you have to do to earn those labels have a nasty way of fathering collateral damage. I do credit myself with recognizing the difference. That much, I suppose, I did do. In adulthood, they become great friends, wonderful loving parents, and in my case especially, lifelong companions and perfect spouses. I can’t really honestly think of anything I don’t like about Lora. No one is perfect, but I didn’t say she was perfect, nor laughingly am I. But maybe we’re perfect for one another. I’m thankful for every moment I’ve had to share with my best, and only real friend. If I were to lose her now, the world would simply stop. Such a beautiful pearl, which has only begun to incandesce in the world. I would take her place without pause. She knows that. I hope she knows that. I’m sure she knows that? Right? She should know. After all the I love yous, anniversaries and special occasions; surely every thing is out on the table, right? I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right. Back to my point, I simply wanted to shed light on a maybe not so often noticed glimmering star, aka soccer mom, den mother, Webster mom, ManchVegas knitter, superstar kickboxer, mega crafter, and unwavering love of my life and that of my two super boys, Lora Lee. You bring a smile across my lips at the very utterance of your name. I will be with you in all things till the end of the universe. What cosmic coincidence brought us together needs no explanation for me. I just want to live in its consequence as long as possible. I couldn’t be happier in life than I am with you and our family. Get some rest, you deserve it. I Love you.

BK

Don't Wait Too Long

Madeleine Peyroux – Don’t Wait Too Long


I was just awakened from a midnight stupor by an interesting melody streaming into the Droid from Pandora. This woman’s voice is haunting and reminisces of an older time, but the melody of the song was spot on, and caught my attention. For those curious, this was the Norah Jones channel. It relaxes me, I can be intense. I paid heed to the lyrical content and her words found a place in my head. “Don’t wait too long”. This is a powerful concept, and so, so true. Here is the text in full:

You can cry a million tears
You can wait a million years
If you think that time will change your ways
Don't wait too long

When your morning turns to night
Who'll be loving you by candlelight
If you think that time will change your ways
Don't wait too long

Maybe I got a lot to learn
Time can slip away
Sometimes you got to lose it all
Before you find your way

Take a chance, play your part
Make romance, it might break your heart.
But if you think that time will change your ways
Don't wait too long

It may rain, it may shine
Love will age like fine red wine
But if you think that time will change your ways
Don't wait too long

Maybe you and I got a lot to learn
Don't waste another day
Maybe you got to lose it all
Before you find your way

Take a chance, play your part
Make romance, it might break your heart
But if you think that time will change your ways
Don't wait too long

Don't wait
Hmm... Don't wait

Maybe I’m reading more into the lyrics than is there.  Madeleine was quoted once as saying her “whole life is in this song”, which leads me to believe there’s some insight. Amazing that we can only see the truest principles in life after experiencing a loss, missed opportunity or tragedy. I suppose we all try to instill these types of values in our children, but do we really provide such an example? I heard an author on NPR once mention an exercise he did with his kids every year during some religious holiday. They used no electricity for 2 weeks in the home. Using a fireplace for heat, by candlelight they sat and read, talked, played games and connected as people did in a time when there was no choice but to live this way. I loved the idea, and contemplated doing the same (maybe only a week) with my family. We have a Wii, PS3, PSP, Nintendo DS, PC, Wi-Fi, laptop, HDTV, MP3 players, DVD-RW, CDRW, Digital Cams, Cell phones and Droid with unlimited text and data packages, and who knows what else is buried in the piles of electronics and cords all around the place. If only the white glow of an LCD monitor could tan my face, I’d be like a Ken doll. Thinking about all of this, now, maybe I get it. Lesson learned. Unlikely. Sometimes I think I’d like to just live in the woods with a guitar. Since I suck at playing it, likely the guitar becomes firewood. Then what? Without all the things we “need” to get through the day, what kind of person would we be? I think this may be the reason for such a high divorce rate. People don’t really ever spend time together, with all the gadgetry and digitizing we do constantly. Lora and I have literally texted each other from the next room. Sometimes from the same room if making rude comments behind the back of an unruly guest. Once they’ve been around one another long enough for some real personality to seep through the proverbial media shield, one can’t stand the person they’ve found on the other end and blamo, divorce. I say, you want to marry someone, spend a month with no TV, internet or phones. If you still want to marry, then you’ll likely succeed. Marriages of old lasted longer because they passed this test unbeknownst. Lora and I did this experiment by default because we were broke and couldn’t afford any technology. 15 years, theory proven. Don’t marry someone you can’t sit and stare at for 30 days. Don’t get me wrong, this revelation isn’t going to have me dumping my droid in the Merrimack, but I think we should all take some time more often than not and enjoy the people and things that make our lives worth something, whatever that is. And if there is something in life that may make you happy, don’t wait too long.

-BK

Where does this lead?

Do you ever wonder what you'll be doing in 5 years from the present?  It's a common career exercise, but can our relatively simple minds really even begin to grasp the vast variability in what occurs from day to day in even one person's life?  Not likely, but I try.  More and more so lately.  And I wonder how many people could look back 5 or 10 years and honestly say that where they are and what they're doing is close to what they had imagined for themselves.  I find that I've constantly surprised / appalled myself.  I never thought I'd join the military, and although that decision was made in haste and not well thought through, it turned out to be a great experience (except for the whole "getting shot at" part).  Never would I return to Louisville having departed the military.  Wrong again.  No way would I be married at 20 and change, but when you know something, you know it and after 15 years I've proven myself right.  I did always expect I'd have children, if only as a longing to be a good father.  Of course the definition of a "good father" certainly has many variables in itself.  I like my definition best.  Working mostly in the medical field, I never thought I'd go to school and end up working in a technology field.  Never in a million years could I have guessed I'd move to NH and work for a quirky genius inventor, getting to touch so many amazing projects.  In the end, everything seems to fit in place and tie together nicely, but how much of that can be attributed only to "dumb luck".  It fits almost as though it were all part of an orchestrated plan.  Even now, in a way, as our proximity to Dana Farber (Arguably one of, if not the, top ranking cancer research institute world-wide) gives us the best chance for success with the least disruption and travel.  If you're going to let researchers and interns treat you, it may as well be Harvard, Right?  For now, I suppose we need simply to focus on now, and not concern ourselves with where we'll be in 5 or 10 years.  The concept is proving difficult.  Try as I might, I'm having a difficult time speculating about what the future has in store.  Next month is as unclear as next year and this new experience has broken me into a new person with different perspectives and ideals about everything, including what I might expect or hope for in the coming months and years.  My standards are lower, or higher depending on how you look at it.  You just never know what is going to happen.  The truth is, in most cases, you probably don't want to know.